This is Why I Avoid Children

I’m not what you would call a “natural” when it comes to communicating with/being around children. I normally use adult words in a high-pitched voice, and I notoriously ask close-ended questions.

I hosted a friend’s bridal shower last weekend, and while Danielle was opening her presents, a girl scout rang my door bell, hoping I’d buy some cookies.

Oh, hi!!!! (!!!!! = high pitched voice)

Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?

Oh, you see, I’m right in the middle of hosting a bridal shower at the moment. 

blank stare

awkward silence

Oh, sure, I’d love to. 

Conversation over.

Even when I make a genuine attempt to like children, I usually fail. Like the time our neighbor’s daughter (whom I’d never met) ran up to me in my yard telling me that she CAN DO CARTWHEELS.

I said, Oh wow! That’s really neat. Maybe you can teach me how to do a cartwheel.

No. You’re too old.

Right.

A few days ago, our neighbor’s cute-as-a-button daughter was out on their deck, staring at Cory and I, as only a child can do, as I ate oatmeal and he futzed with the garage door.

I made this my “do one thing a day that scares me” and approached this girl. I assume she’s 4, but she could totally be 11. Either way, I think it’s probably a good idea for children to know their neighbors, right?

It was a successful conversation, in my opinion. She told me she likes raspberries. And her new room. And the color purple – at which this point, I contributed to the exchange by saying, I can tell. Your entire outfit is purple. (It was.) She just stared at me.

Regardless, neither party ended up crying, and we parted with smiles and a wave.

I was bragging to my mom about this conversation, WHICH I INITIATED, and what does she pick up on?

You introduced yourself as Colleen? 

Um, yes. That’s my name.

No, she’s a child. You’re Mrs. so-and-s0

I was literally dumbfounded. Any other 25 year-old would feel disgusted by this, right? I mean, my friends’ MOMS are “Mrs.”

Just add it to the This is Why I Avoid Children list.

Comments

  1. says

    Oh I am so with you on the ant-children thing. I literally cannot talk to them and don’t know what to do around them. a bit worrying. Fingers crossed I’ll be Ok with my own! Hehe ;)

  2. Carolynn says

    Just do what the southerners do, call yourself Miss Colleen, whether you’re married or not! Keeps you feeling young :)

  3. Renee says

    Bahaha! I have kids and I always struggle with being Mrs. Benda. That’s my mother in law not me but sadly once your own children can go to school on their own you are no longer your first name and instead become the Mrs version of yourself. Sometimes I even forget and look around like my mother in law is here? Oh wait he’s talking to me! It takes a long time.

  4. says

    This was hilarious!! And I’m honestly totally the same way. Yesterday we went to a 1st birthday party for some family friend’s twins and while they were cute, the party was FILLED with kids. I sent one of my friends a text message that this party would have been terrible for her baby fever but to meet it is called “birth control.”

  5. says

    lol, so funny! I can totally relate; I’m not a natural around little kids. I’m finally getting the hang of conversing with my 5 year old cousin! lol I would NOT have introduced myself as “Mrs.”! We’re too young for that. ;-)

  6. says

    Hahaha, I’m sure you’re better with kids than you think :). I don’t think that kids will call our generation Mr. and Mrs.. I always have kids call me by my first name, unless I’m at work, where they have to call me “Mrs.” Not that I like it, though. Makes me sound so old!

  7. says

    I’m a mom and a Mrs. in my 30′s and I totally would have went with “Kim” or maybe Miss. Kim. I work at a school, but I’m not a teacher and most of the kiddos call me Miss. Kim. Way to go on making progress with your resolutions!

  8. says

    Kids can be so blunt sometimes. One of the girls I nanny for has told me that my hair stinks. And then I get super self-conscious and start questioning her like, “wait, really? What does it smell like? Like garbage? Are you joking? Stop watching The Wiggles and answer me!” Yeah, she’s 4.

  9. runnerjen521 says

    I always called my parents’ friends Mr and Mrs So-and-So, but my friends’ kids all call me Auntie Jen and I’m totally fine with that. I think maybe it’s a generational thing and is accepted now? Who knows. Maybe when I get older I’ll prefer Mrs E but for now Auntie Jen is just fine! (And I’m a few years older than you – 32.)

  10. says

    I work with kids, and them calling me Ms. makes me feel old as crap. Finally I have gotten my immediate students to call me by my first name, which one parent told me that was wrong. But I mean, it is how I feel; I do not want to be called Ms. or Mrs. for a LONG time…

  11. says

    HAHAHAH You are so so funny. The only time I ever introduce myself to children as Mrs. are the ones I teach. However, I’m kind of on the other side of the fence as the other people who commented – I want the kids I teach to call me “Mrs.”. Otherwise, I would feel like they would view me as a friend which is no bueno in fifth grade. I’m their teacher, not their BF4L.

  12. says

    Ha, this is too funny! I actually love children. My friends make fun of me because I will actively check out of a conversation if a kid walks past. I’m that crazy person cooing and waving from across the room that parents probably hate, lol.

  13. says

    I would never, ever, in a million years think to introduce myself as anything other than Meghan. I’m pretty sure you don’t become an official Mrs. until you have kids or something who bring their friends over.

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