I’m not a kid person. To be honest, I’m not really a baby person, either. I totally envy those women who have a sixth sense with little humans. You know the ones – it’s like an automatic response for her to stretch out hers arms and start cooing when she sees a baby, and she inherently knows how to speak to a three-year-old.
I, on the other hand, had never held a baby until my son was born, and I still have no idea how to talk to a three-year-old. So naturally, when I was pregnant I went to a bajillion “baby classes” offered through my hospital. Infant CPR. Breastfeeding 101. Infant Care. You name it, I was there – taking notes.
[I don’t know where this is from, but it cracks me up]
But now that I’m actually a mom, I’ve come to realize that there is a gaping hole in the hospital’s baby curriculum:
1. The first nail trim. Sure, when your sweet bundle of joy is born, all you’re concerned about is that they have ten fingers and ten toes. But give it a month or so, and those little piggies will have turned into baby talons, and you’ll be responsible for trimming them.
2. The first outfit(s). Probably for the first three weeks or so, I was terrified to dress Jack. I hated pulling a onesie over his soft spot, as I was certain I was crushing his little baby brain, and I was too scared to try to get him to bend his arms because I was sure they would just snap in half.
3. The first no-breathing cry. Every so often, your baby will get so upset about something, that he’ll cry so hard and not take a breath for what feels like an eternity. In all reality, it’s probably two seconds, but their face gets reddish purple and it’s absolutely terrifying.
4. The first drive. The first time you take your sweet babe out for a spin, you’ll wonder why everyone DRIVES SO FAST. Do they have death wishes?! You’ll want to tell NO PHONE ZONE!! to every dare devil you see, just chatting on their phone while operating a motor vehicle. It’s simply petrifying.
5. The first all-nighter. After finally getting used to being woken up every two or three hours during the night, there will come that glorious morning when you roll over at 5:30am and realize your baby has been asleep for nine hours. But your first thought, without a doubt, will be: OH MY GOD! ARE THEY OKAY?! Your heart will skip a beat, you’ll run to their crib to check if they’re breathing, and when you find that you just lived a real life miracle, your faith in God will be restored.
It’s so weird that the local hospitals haven’t reached out to me offering a teaching position, right?