A few summers ago, I had a “pre-cancerous” mole removed. The threat the doctor gave me scared the shit out of me, and I honestly haven’t been tan since. On our honeymoon in St. Lucia, I did lay out in the sun, but I applied sunscreen constantly.
But I have been tired of pasty legs! Done with looking like I have never seen the sun! I long for bronzed skin. So when I saw a Groupon for an airbrush tan, I didn’t think twice before purchasing it.
I’ve been a little nervous leading up to my tan, only because I was fretting the possibility of resembling an oompa loopma, or worse: Snookie.
I’ll be honest, I also spent time worrying about feelin’ all SPRING BREAK! with my girls in another girl’s face. It’s just not how I normally spend a Thursday afternoon.
But the time came this morning. I got to the salon, checked in, and was told to have a seat. I scanned the room. Which one of these poor women will have to stare at my boobs?
I was approached by Chris.
As flamboyant as can be, he said in a charming Southern accent, “Alright honey, I’ll be doing your tan.”
I believe shock and horror overtook my face. I never even considered that a MAN would be giving me my spray tan. He assured me he does this “all day, every day” and I had nothing to worry about.
And so, I followed this man into a room and took off my clothes. Very Anastasia Steele-ish of me, I know.
Now, I’m not usually in a thong and bra in front of a stranger man, so I was pretty awkward. To make matters even MORE COOL, I didn’t have my glasses on, so I could barely see him when he yelled over the humming of the machine “Now do this!” instructing me on how to position my arms, legs, hands, pride…
At one point, I had to bend over. In my underwear. In his face.
Overcome by shame and humiliation, I naturally sped through an Act of Contrition hoping the Good Lord would forgive me.
What, that’s not normal?
Well friends, my life is not normal.
- Let’s ignore the awkwardness of my situation. Have YOU ever gotten an air brush or spray tan? I hear air brush tans, like I got, yield better results because they don’t end up looking splotchy