Saturday night, as a part of Girlfriend Weekend, we ventured out to the bar.
We got a spot by door, which was super convenient for people watching, and we drank and laughed, drank and laughed.
At one point, the girls needed refills, so I was voted Table Saver. I’m not one to worry about sleazy guys swooping in on me, mainly because I was totally prepared to flash my Bitch Face if necessary.
When the girls left, I did a precautionary scan to see if I could spot any questionable douches, and when I saw that the coast was clear, I started looking at Twitter – you know, so if someone looked at me, they’d think I had tons of friends I was talking to.
Enter Betty and her sassy gay friend, Joe. Joe walks up to me as I’m standing alone and says “Girl, that dress is fabulous!” Because this pair seemed to have no alterior motives, I smiled and thanked them.
That’s when shit got weird.
Joe turned on his heel, walked away, and I was left with Betty. The 30-year-old lawyer from Richmond.
Betty: I really do love that dress.
Me: Wow, thanks. Penny’s. 30 bucks.
Betty: (smile) I bet you studied Latin.
Me: Um? Yeah. In high school. But I had mono that semester, so I think I slept through every class. (WHERE ARE MY FRIENDS?!)
Betty: But I’m sure you’re familiar with Helen of Troy.
Me: Oh yeah. Sure, sure. (WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING WITH THIS, BETTY!?)
Betty: Well you remind me of her. You have a face that could launch a thousand ships.
Me: (Stunned.) Wow. Thanks, Betty. I’ll be sure to thank my parents for their fantastic mash-up of DNA.
And just like that, my friends return with their drinks, and I introduce them to my new girlfriend, Betty.
And just as quickly as she appeared, she vanished faster than I could throw her The Face.