The Lies that Parents Tell


This past Friday I hosted what I like to call Mom Club. Several of my girlfriends came over and we let our babies roll around on my living room floor while we enjoyed adult conversation.


All of us have baby boys under the age of 10 months, and my friend, Brittany also has a 2-year-old daughter. At one point, Brittany offered her daughter a LARABAR, and when she asked what it was, Brittany so brilliantly responded without hesitation, “a chocolate bar.”

All of us giggled as her daughter accepted it as fact, no questions asked.

This, of course, got me thinking about Parent Lies. You know, the lies that parents tell their kids off the tops of their heads that kids believe to be true.

In my family, it was the tired tongue.

Whenever my cousins and I reached that point in the evening when we were being whiny assholes who were fighting sleep, our parents would line us up and say “show us your tongues.”

Without hesitation, we’d stick out our tongues and the parents would gasp dramatically, all agreeing amongst each other that we were exhausted. “Just look at those tongues!! It’s definitely time for bed!” they’d say.

And we believed them.

Guys, we were in grade school before we realized that adults couldn’t actually tell how tired we were by what our tongues looked like.

I’m not even mad.

I’m impressed.

I’d LOVE to know what lies your parents told you that you believed. (Or what lies you tell YOUR kids, because I’ll need ideas.) 


Check out Help! My Child Has Developed a New Favorite 4-Letter Word

by Rachel Will at Mode

14 Things That Literally Happened Today

I made eggs for breakfast.

I put the carton of eggs in the pantry.

I called my son Penny!, I mean, Cory!, damn it…Jack! (at least 5 times.)

I read articles about feeding solids to an 8 month old while my 8 month old chewed on the dog’s tail.

I read articles about babies ingesting dog hair.

Jack fell asleep in the car, so I parked in the garage and fell asleep in the car, too.

I closely examined myself in the mirror and immediately regretted that decision.

I yelled at my dog.

I contemplated exercising and cleaning up my diet.

I ate way too many chocolate covered raisins.

Someone asked me what I was doing for Jack’s first birthday and I kinda sorta (most definitely) cried.

I wished it was the weekend.

An hour after Jack went to bed, I scrolled through my phone and watched all my videos of him.

I forgot to ‘gram my #thunderthighthursday picture.


Lies I Tell Myself, Vol. 2

I don’t miss my pre-baby bod.

I don’t need to write down that important piece of information. My mind is a steel trap.

I won’t eat dessert tonight.

I’m an efficient grocery bagger via the self check out.

I’ll shower later.

Today’s the day: Jack will stop refusing bottles because he’s almost 7 months old!

I’m going to make time for juicing. (*Pours bowl of cereal instead.*)

I won’t yell at the dog today.

The dryer is basically an iron.

Jeans = fancy.

Lies I Tell Myself, Vol. 1

Currently [10-21-15]


Current Book(s): LOL this is funny.

Current Music: I could lie, but Pandora’s Toddler Radio station is where it’s at these days. It plays the same 20 songs over and over, and I get super jazzed each time songs from The Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast come on. Jack’s current fave is the apples and bananas song. The kid legit giggles every time it comes on, so that means I love it, too.

Current Guilty Pleasure: I’m working on not feeling guilty about pleasure, and this weekend was a good practice.

lu group

Current Nail Color: I don’t know what you’d call it. Purple brown? Purown?

Current Drink: I’ve been drinking a ton of water, still. I also drink decaf coffee (anxiety = no caffeine) because it’s cold in the morning and this mug that my aunt Ruth Anne sent me gives me all the giggles.


Current Food: Lots of it.

Current Favorite Show: Oh, how my life has changed now that my baby is mobile and needs to be entertained 24/7. I haven’t watched TV since we were on vacation in August when Whitney and I were binge watching Playing House. It’s SO FUNNY.

Current Wish List: I wish Jack napped during the day. He takes two “naps” that last no longer than 30 minutes. When I tell most moms this, their response is “How do you get anything done?!” My response is, “I don’t.” Or, I do, but I’m lugging around a 20-pound baby.

Current Bane of My Existence: Anxiety.

Current Celebrity Crush: No one comes to mind! How lame.

Current Indulgence: Our bi-weekly date night feels indulgent, but in the best way. Before Jack, we went out to eat all the time, so it stopped feeling date-y. Now, I look forward to getting dressed up and spending time out of the house with just Cory.

Current Blessing: Being a S/WAHM is such a blessing. It’s hard as shit and some days I hate it, but I know how fortunate I am.

Current Slang: I literally can’t even.  Cory wants to throat punch me every time I say it.

Current Outfit: Yoga pants and long sleeved shirts. Running around after a baby all day is a serious workout. If you’re ever trying to lose weight, I suggest having a crawling baby.

Current Excitement: We’re hosting our 3rd annual Halloween party this year. I’m not sure we’ll out-do last year’s sisterwives costumes, though.


Getting Rid of Mom Guilt

mom guilt

The more I talk and connect with other moms, the more I realize that one thing we all experience is Mom Guilt. Rather just Plain Old Guilt, Mom Guilt is a special kind of irrational, all-consuming crazy. It’s like, as soon as you become a mom, guilt becomes your automatic response to every situation in life. What’s even crazier, is that to the majority of us are experiencing some level of mom guilt at all times.

If you work outside the home? Mom Guilt.

If you work inside the home and happen to have two second to sit down? Mom Guilt. 

If you’re out having fun without your kids and/or husband? Mom Guilt. 

If you’re sad because you’re not out without your kids and/husband? Mom Guilt.

Whatever and however you choose to feed your kid? Mom Guilt. 

If you do something for yourself? Mom Guilt. 

If you experience Mom Guilt? Mom Guilt. 

The examples endless, and I’m certain that every single mom reading this has her own Guilt List (I know I do!) I’m new to the mom game, but I’m a quick study, and I’m learning that this kind of guilt is dangerous. This Mom Guilt has the ability to rob us of happy moments, relaxation, and the ability to enjoy life to the fullest potential.

It also has the ability to disguise itself as anxiety, anger, resentment, and sadness; and in my opinion, no one deserves that (self-imposed) shit in her life. It’s toxic and it serves no one. 

I wish I could say I have a solution, but I don’t. What I can tell you is that I’m working on it myself. What’s helping me is having the insight to address it, accept it, and to Do I think I’ll ever shake all the Mom Guilt? Not even close. But do I think I’m going to avoid making it my default setting? Absolutely.

Who’s with me?


Check out Boost Baby's Brain Power: Healthy Fats to Eat While Nursing

by Kayla Vashti at Mode

Happy Birthday to Me!

Happy Monday, friends! And happy birthday 28th birthday to me!

Today is a regular old Monday, but my best friends took me out yesterday to make sure I had time to celebrate. Emily and Jamie came over on Sunday morning toting mimosas and surprises.

mimosasOur first surprise of the day was a little bit of pampering. I was treated to a pedicure and it was lovely. It sounds so silly, but manicures and pedicures were a biweekly occurrence before Jack, but I’ve only had my nails done one other time in the past six months, and it’s made me kind of sad. These girls know me better than anyone!

Our next stop was lunch at a local Mexican restaurant. It is not an exaggeration when I say that our friendship was founded on a mutual love for tacos and cheese dip, so every special occasion calls for Mexican food. Always.

I know I joke about drinking all the time, but let’s be honest, it’s not every day that I enjoy adult beverages. When we go to lunch I was definitely still buzzing off my one mimosa (for shame, I know) and the girls insisted on margs. Not one to be rude, I obliged 😉

What I was not prepared for what the birthday “treat.” I could have died when the restaurant staff came clapping over with the sombrero and…a tequila shot?

hbdWhat’s happened to the fried ice cream!? I took a baby sip of this shot before throwing in the towel. I’m 28  and definitely not in college anymore. Woof.

I’m so thankful to Cory for giving me the gift of sleeping in on a Sunday, and for my amazing best friends for taking me out for a little celebration. While 27 was a fantastic year, I’m terribly excited to see what 28 has in store!

I’d love to know – How old are you today? 

Totally Truthful Thursday

// Jack got his first cold and is so miserable. I feel so badly for him! (And I feel badly for me; sucking snot out of a kid’s nose is the grossest.)

// On a happier note, Cory and I are all about our date nights. We’ve implemented a strict bi-weekly date night where Cory’s parents so kindly come over to watch Jack while we go out to dinner and enjoy an hour or two without a baby. This week we went to Bonefish and I ate all the bang bang. 


// Jack is now refusing to take a bottle and it’s driving me out of my ever-loving mind. Up until about 4 months, he had no problem with it, but now he acts like he has no idea what to do with it. It’s causing me great anxiety because we have a few events coming up in October that will require me to be away from him for more than 3 hours, and of course I’m convinced he’ll starve to death. HELP!

// I have two “beyond the blog” articles out this week, and I’m proud of them! One is in defense of the Millennials on Best Kept Self, and one is about why I need my childless girlfriends more than ever on Scary Mommy. (PS. getting published on Scary Mommy was a stretch goal of mine this year, and it blows my mind that this is article number 3!)

// Jack and Penny are totally BFFs and it’s too cute.

penny and jack

// When someone tells me that their child’s nap spans several hours, my first thought is, Do you have a pet unicorn, too? 

// My birthday is coming up (get your gifts in the mail now) and when Cory asked what I wanted, my only request was sleep. No fancy dinner, no afternoon winery trip, no Michael Kors watch…just sleep.

// Does anyone else not get periscope? I want to understand, because I’m sure it’s the next “big thing,” but I feel like I don’t have the time to add another social media platform to my life. I think that means I’m getting old.

// I’m obsessed with three ladies at the moment. Stephanie. Gervase. Jenn. Check them all out, thank me later.


Five Things I Won’t Apologize For

I’m someone who constantly apologizes. Did you have a bad day? Sorry! Is it raining? Sorry! Did you bump into meSorry!  Did I make you laugh? Sorry! Honestly, it’s one of my most annoying habits. But the extremely witty and insanely talented Stephanie inspired me to think about 5 things I won’t apologize for.


My marriage comes first. 

As in, before my child. I know this is a polarizing topic, but it’s a no-brainer for us. Cory and I are the first people to model for Jack what a happy, healthy marriage looks like, so we believe that putting each other before our child is what’s best for everyone. Does that mean if my child is crying and my husband walks in the door from work, I drop the kid and run to Cory? No! Does it mean we budget for date nights and childless vacations? You bet. 

I care about my appearance

When I showed up to a mom’s group a while back, I was teased because I had showered and was wearing “real clothes.” Listen, 90% of my life is now spent in yoga pants and wireless bras, so on the rare occasion I have the time (or reason) to do more than slap on chapstick and a t-shirt, I’m going to do it.

Not every day gets my 100%

I’m so far from perfect. There are days when the house is cleaned, the laundry is folded, I’ve played with the baby, and I’ve met article deadlines with time to spare. But there are others days when the dishes are piled up, the baby is bored, and I have nothing productive to show for my day (you know, besides a living, breathing tiny human.)

I have an awesome husband

Sure, he has his quirks and has the ability to drive me to the brink of insanity, but I can assure you he could say much worse about his wife. Not all husbands treat parenthood as an equally shared responsibility, but mine does. He changes diapers, gets up in the middle of the night, encourages me to take time by myself, and is an all-around nice guy.

Changing my mind

At this point in my life, I’m just trying to figure out what works, what I like, and what I can do without. I’m quick to say yes to opportunities and excited to try different techniques when it comes to parenting. Some things work, some things don’t. So be it. I don’t think that makes me fickle or indecisive; I think it makes me human.

(I’d love to know some things that you won’t apologize for!)

8 Things I Literally Can’t Even

Watching the news. I literally can’t even because the news is way too full of anxiety-producing material. I’m a professional at conjuring up the most terrifying situations in my mind, I don’t need anyone else’s help thankyouverymuch.

You being late. I literally can’t even. I just can’t.

The doorbell. I literally can’t even because it sends Penny into a fit, therefore it sends Jack into a fit, therefore therefore it’s a major meltdown in my house. If you ring the door bell just to alert me that you left a package on my doorstep and you WALK AWAY, I will hunt you down.

Parenting brags on Facebook. Sally slept through the night? John poo-pooed in the potty? You pumped 10 ounces in one sitting? Your husband gets 6 weeks of paternity leave? I literally can’t even.

Packing away Jack’s clothes. I literally can’t even because he’s still a baby – how does he not fit into half his wardrobe anymore?!? I can’t. I literally can’t even.

The fact that Jack will be SIX MONTHS OLD this month. That’s half a year. I literally.can’t.even.

Mommy wars. I literally can’t even because COME ON, isn’t every woman just doing the absolute best that she can?

Golf. I literally can’t even because why does it take one thousand hours to play a round of golf?

Back to Reality

slowThese past ten days of vacation were amazing. We headed up to Cape Cod for a week with our friends Bobby + Whitney (with a pitstop to see my parents) and it was a much needed break from reality. I didn’t know it before we got there, but the Cape Cod house doesn’t have wifi, and I fully embraced the forced disconnection.

Walks to the bay, days spent in Provincetown and Chatam, and relaxing on the back deck with Bloody Marys were some of the highlights from the week. The 10+ hour car rides to and from were slightly painful, but there’s something I love about road trip conversations.

coryComing back from vacation is always bittersweet, and the fact that tomorrow is the beginning of September intensifies that feeling for me tenfold.

I’m feeling refreshed and energized for what the last part of 2015 has in store; and while this has been a fantastic summer, I’m absolutely ready to welcome my favorite season with open arms! wellfleetCheck back tomorrow – I’m mixing things up a bit and taking a page out of this lady’s book and starting a little vlogging challenge 😉

Chit chat: Did you take any fun trips or vacations this summer?