I know I bitch and moan about being tired and not sleeping through the night, but I love my baby more than life itself and I always want to be in control of his safety and general wellbeing. That’s the complex of motherhood: feeling overwhelmed by being completely and utterly responsible for your child’s everything yet having a difficult time giving up that responsibility to someone else.
Because no one can do it better than you, right?
Cory and I debated whether or not we wanted to pass the Halloween party baton to someone else this year because Jack is so young, but we ultimately convinced ourselves that just because we’re parents doesn’t mean we’re
completely lame and can’t have a good time every now and then.
Expected reaction: Great! Hooray! We’re FUN!
Actual reaction: SOB!, because it meant Jack would be away for his first overnight “sleepover.”
My anxiety level about this event would have made you think I was sending him off to a week at a crack house with nothing but a blanket and a “good luck!” but he was staying with my in-laws for 12 hours (and I packed enough breastmilk for 3 bottles, 6 diapers, wipes, 1 backup outfit, socks, 1 spit up blanket, a pack ‘ play, a highchair, and a pouch of organic baby food.)
To put it lightly, I freaked the fuck out.
I cried sporadically all day leading up to his departure. It felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest as I packed his bag. As I nursed him at 6pm right before they left, I cried again. I asked my in-laws not to take the back roads, and I felt like my own mother when I said “Please text me when you get home.” (Because DRIVING IS DANGEROUS.)
I realize the drama of the following sentence, but it literally (literally.) felt like my in-laws were driving away with my entire heart strapped into the back of their car.
I’m pretty sure I didn’t breathe until I got the text from my gracious mother-in-law assuring me that they were safe and sound in their driveway (I resisted the urge to respond with, but will you text me when you get IN the house? You know, just in case you fall while carrying him inside?)
Once I knew they were all safely home, I started to relax and was actually able to enjoy myself. But damn it if I wasn’t an emotional train wreck getting there.