Real talk: At the beach this week, I struggled with letting myself feel self-conscious.
I, like many pregnant women, sometimes experiences waves of panic about my ever-changing body. It’s happened much less with this pregnancy because I now understand how amazing the human body is, and that no, I will not look pregnant forever. I know what my body has done, and will do again, and I haven’t felt the need to focus on the scale. It’s been nice.
But I’m also human.
Which is why when I was taken back for the regular blood pressure/urine sample/weight check routine at my recent appointment, I almost closed my eyes on the scale.
Yes, the number caused me to wince and do a quick calculation of how much I’ve gained and how much more I’m likely to gain and how closely I’ll weigh to what my brother did in high school, but the moment was fleeting.
Until my OB walked in the room.
Whew, looks like we had a big spike in weight gain, huh?
I hadn’t realized the spike, but I immediately felt embarrassed. Even though I haven’t been “eating for two” or binging or doing anything wrong, I felt terrible and immensely self-conscious. I would have gone on the defense, but before I could form a complete sentence that didn’t include profanity, she proceeded to suggest that I start keeping a food log and measuring out all my portions and being more active.
Don’t get me wrong, I actually really like my OB (this is not me bashing her – she’s great!) and I get that she was coming from a “don’t keep this up or you’ll be miserable in two and a half months” standpoint, but as a pregnant woman with a past colored with disordered eating a shit ton of body image issues, it sucked. BIG TIME.
We had a similar spike at this point during my first pregnancy, and when it was brought to my attention, I cried for days. DAYS.
But this time I won’t, because it’s not worth it. Because I’m growing a human. Because we’re both healthy. Because I’m so fortunate. Because I know I’m doing the best I can.
So, thank you; but no, I will not be keeping a fucking food log.