Photography via Mandy Harlow
1. Crying. Babies cry, end of story. I saw something on Pinterest where one mom made little “sorry you’re sitting near us” baggies to give to the passengers sitting in the vicinity of her baby, full of gum and ear plugs and candy and a nice note. I call bull shit on that. Because a) candy from strangers is creepy as hell and b) I’m traveling with a baby. I feel like someone should give me a goodie bag. Sorry if my baby cries and annoys you for 30 minutes. Welcome to my life.
2. Someone will see your tits. Up until recently, the thought of someone catching a glimpse of my NatGeo boobs made me extremely uncomfortable, but when your baby is screaming because the cabin pressure is killing his tiny baby ears, you go into Mama Bear mode and whip that shit out without a care in the world. To the traumatized man in 22C, I apologize.
3. A blowout. I think babies have a sixth sense about when to have a blowout. Babies don’t shit up their backs when you’re home alone enjoying Netflix and can easily access their diapers and/or a bath. No, they only have poops of gigantic proportions when you’re in a window seat and the stranger in the aisle seat is passed out and drooling, and you’re left with two options: hold your shitty baby until you land, or change your shitty baby in your lap. I chose the lap option.
4. Your inner germaphobe will come out in full force. I’m not even a germaphobe in real life. If Jack’s pacifier falls on the ground, I barely wipe it off before sticking it right back in his mouth. But something about a plane freaks me the hell out. Every time some one sneezed or coughed, I imagined all the germs floating around that flying germ tube and infecting my baby.
5. To make an oath that you’ll never again travel outside a ten mile radius of your neighborhood until your child is at least in middle school.