Remember that old college drinking game, Never Have I Ever? You’d start with five fingers up, people would go around the circle asking scandalous questions, and you’d have to put a finger down with each outrageous act you’d actually committed. The first to a closed fist was the winner/loser/whore.
I have a new spin on that game called Never Would I Ever, and it entails moms going around the playroom admitting the most atrocious pre-first-baby things they ever said that they “would never do” as a parent.
Want to play? I’ll go first.
Never Would I Ever Use a Pacifier
Because pacifiers create bad habits and orthodontic problems, and I wouldn’t have any of that. I actually returned pacifiers that were gifted to me at my baby showers, because they would be of absolutely no use. It was worth returning them so I could buy something useful like cute baby clothes.
Then I gave birth to a colicky baby and all concerns of a toddler using a pacifier in public or a massive orthodontist bill went out the window. I even got to the point of considering dunking a pacifier in whiskey if it meant the crying would stop.
Never Would I Ever Have a Snot-Nosed Kid
I’ll be honest, I can handle poop and vomit like a champ, but snot and boogers make me gag. I can’t stand to see a kid with a crusty nose, but kids get colds, and most of them would rather be thrown out of a moving vehicle than to simply have their nose gingerly wiped clean. And when you’re going on day 5 of a runny nose, there comes a time where you say “fuck it/you” and you only prepare for battle if you’re going out in public. Maybe.
Never Would I Ever Let My Baby in Our Bed
Before I had a baby, I was all about a tough-love approach and saying no. Kids won’t run the show, we will, and that’s that.
Then I actually became a sleep-deprived parent. During Jack’s first teething/sinus infection fiasco, there was no way I was going to let him scream and cry when all he wanted to do was have his mommy hold him (and/or it meant I could also get some sleep.)
Never Would I Ever Resort to Technology Entertainment
As a parent-to-be who knew everything, I judged parents who gave their children electronics as a pacifier (why was I so against pacifying children?!) when out in public. Didn’t they know they were turning their children into zombies?!
Then I realized that having a toddler can sometimes feel like having a mini terrorist in your possession, which usually happens to be when you’re in public, so if Daniel Tiger will let my husband and I eat out at a Mexican restaurant at 5pm on a Saturday “night,” let those brain cells melt.
Never Would I Ever Not Care About My Appearance
A mom who “looked like a mom” was the most tragic circumstance in my pre-baby book. I looked upon the woman who possibly hadn’t showered that day, or worn make up in a month, or bothered to buy herself a cute new outfit in a year with such pity. I wouldn’t be her, ever, because my physical appearance was the most important thing.
This one stings, guys. While I’m certainly not a walking pile of filth who never looks in the mirror, my current situation with a 17-month-old allows me approximately 7 minutes to get ready in the morning. ~*Getting ready*~ means showering, drying my hair and slapping old clothes on my mom bod all while making sure he doesn’t open cabinets and ingest Motrin or throw my shoes into the toilet or poke the dog in the eye. I’m sweating and tired by the time we make it downstairs to breakfast, so if I can go out in public without being arrested for indecent exposure, I’m calling it a win.
Oh look, I have no fingers left up. In college, this would be the point where I’d take a shot, but it’s 7:42 am and I have to survive this day, so I’ll just inhale my cold toast and pray Elmo keeps my son in a zombie-like trance for a few minutes more.
Okay, YOUR TURN!
PS: Check this out!